Eating T-Shirts

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"You came up in therapy this morning."

"Welcome to America, bitch."

'The following program is intended for beer bellied, sports crazed, couch potatoes!'

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"I asked for a sand wedge!"

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

"I eat cheap greasy food so I can save for my cardiologist bills in the future."

"Look, I'd like to help, but I've just got too much on my plate right now."

"Well of course I overeat when I'm under pressure. 'Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'!"

Pigeon Little

"We can never get them both to work at the same time."

"Do you want the last piece, or can I have it?"

Before and After Holiday Diet

'Would you like your arteries clogged here or to go?'

"Is everything O.K., sir? We noticed that you aren't constantly eating."

"Mommy wants you to know where your food comes from."

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"I get a shooting pain up my left arm every time I reach for a second helping and my wife stabs me with her fork."

Pre-emptive strike against brussels sprouts.

'I'll have a monsterburger with cheese and giant fries..oh! and a diet cola, I've got to watch my weight.'

'I suffer from overeating and manic depression.'

"Gloves off at the table please!" "They're not gloves, they're dirt!"

''Not a significant source of anything even remotely nutritious'...wow, Mom, can we get these?'

"I see, Mr. Pipkins, we're back on the bourbon and smoking through glazed doughnuts."

You must be this wide to enter the restaurant.

'After that 24 hour beer and fruit cake binge, you need a radical detox!'

Eat drink and be merry!

"When I was your age, I was an adult."

Survived the Holidays

"Aw, man, that's never coming out."

'You're the new guy right? Uh... you might want to stay away from the cottage cheese.'

"Mom, I HATE creamed corn...and isn't this stuff needed to make ethanol?"

'I really should consult a dietician. My idea of preparing healthy food is to blow the sugar off a donut.'