Easy Listening Fan Gifts

'He's busy right now. I have to put you on hold. Would you like to hear show tunes, classical or easy listening?'

"I'm sure the Pembletons' would prefer one of my easy listening CD's don't you Arthur?"

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

"From right to left, you have your tekkamaki, your futomaki, and then your yamaimo roll. The little pile of pink stuff is ginger, the green one's wasabi. And, of course, you already recognize your vodka martini."

'Not even close man - easy listening's around the corner.'

Starvation Watching

ATM withdrawal

"He had a request for me on the radio today. He wanted me to bring him a cup of tea."

Tortoise polishing his shell

Smart Arse Meter

Hammer Thrower - "Let go of it!"

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

Centaur Sprinter

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

'Artificial intelligence is overrated. We find most people prefer the user-friendly advantage of artificial stupidity.'

'I was this close to the finish line and then somebody threw a stick!'

"No, no, the way you're shifting your papers - it's all wrong."

Man riding a bike frame with a cat and a dog attached to harnesses where the wheels would normally be

A man walking a bowling ball is about to walk into a woman walking a bunch of bowling pins

'They're halfway through the six-meter dash. At this pace, the winner should break the world record by at least 24 hours!'

Plastic Brits: 'Apprehend that fleetfooted alien and naturalise him for Team GB!'

Terry Wogan

Man planning on standing on a turntable to aid hammer throw.

"I ask the jury, who among us would not have done the same, if given ready access to a huge vat of cheese and a lives streaming social media feed?"

"The following story is based on a Netflix original series, from a book published by Amazon.com."

'Runners to your mark. Get set... wait! Lane three! Turn sideways!'

"Now, don't move, I'm going to practice my high jump and need a good landing mattress..."

"And now, our newest hit song..."

Prisoner does Shot Put with an Ankle Ball and Chain

Lord Robert Winston

"Why are they called sweatpants if you don't sweat in them?"

Netflix Award Show

'Having a toy chest that folds out into a desk has really helped.'

'How'd you wind up with two batons?'

'Just keep running straight until you reach the end. Can't miss it.'