Double-life Living Pillows

"In my spare time I'm a doctor."

Life is for the birds.

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"I'll be a little late. I'm working a double shift."

'Hold on, Baby, Hold on!'

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

"So that's where you were last night."

Talent, pluck, or plain dumb luck?

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

'Mr. Fitzburger, didn't we agree on a no-pets-in-the-apartment policy?!!'

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

"Do you know what girls want?"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

'Work, school, soccer, shopping, aside from the occassional girl's night out, today's Mom doesn't have time to sit picking ticks and fleas.'

'Last time I share-house with a Wookie!'

Affordable housing - Mum and Dads.

'Are you seeing anybody?'

'I was told you were looking for a man of many hats.'

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

'Not only is your mojo not working, it apparently has been unemployed for years.'

'I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home.'

"Is that what you're wearing?"

David Ortiz a.k.a Big Papi

"Day 973: Still no sign of Mister Right..."

Towels: His, Her, Ex.

'I hate singles bars. It's like window shopping...you know, looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.'

"I've been thinking about what you said about three living as cheaply as two"

"I'm holding up a 'Do not disturb' sign in bed."

Happy Hour