Domestic Realist Gifts

"That doesn't look like setting the table to me."

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Now at this point reality intruded."

Through the Looking Glass - Alice Rows the Sheep.

Stan believes in calling a spade a spade.

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'They had a sale on electric green.'

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"Didn't we have a door over there?"

Insomnia.

CHEZ MOI - formerly CHEZ NOUS

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Right now he's painting himself in a corner.'

"Is this the first time you've put wallpaper up?"

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Rural Cityscape

How coal creates jobs

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

"Tia Carmen, did you ever use a stool to cook?"

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

"With so many people working from home we are cutting back on space, you'll be working from the stationary cupboard in the future."

". . . And if they weren't killed during World War III, or by climate change, or from obesity related heart-attacks. . . . then they are probably alive today. Living in old age poverty."

'You have a comfortable home, three beautiful children, a husband who is devoted to you - what could you possibly want with nuclear capability?'

'Here! Call the contractor. I don't want to hear any nonsense about goals, or touchdowns, or baskets. I want to see shovels! Lots and lots of shovels!'

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'