Domestic Joker Gifts

'I just joined the Freemasons and I'm afraid you're our next sacrifice..'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'I must be going through a mid-life crisis.'

"Harry?... Is that you?"

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

'Hey guys?. . . Help us think what Dale could do for his '15 minutes of fame.''

Father and son with matching beer crates.

'Mom says she has a souffl

"No more tickling Daddy for awhile, 'kay Puddin?'"

"You never laugh at my jokes... "

'...I thought Einstein had a theory on 'relatives'...'

'Your father's a genius kids. First he discovered fire and now marshmallows.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

'Son, you can cancel your plans to backpack across Europe after graduation. See? Your father put up the old pup tent instead!'

'Occupation? You name it, that's ME.'

"I'm an only child...unless you count my dad."

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'It turned out great except for Fido!'

Attack Of The Guy From The Other Room

"Great - really great - but I'd still like to get out of the house every once in a while."