Domestic Harmony Gifts

"Harold, have you reaped huge gains that you have not told me about?"

Separation Anxiety

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"I wish you'd get more in touch with your masculine side, Robert"

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

'You're always taking the fun out of everything!'

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

Looks like I do dishes again.

Blanket Pull

'No madam, the seat does not keep falling down, to the annoyance of male users, would you like one that does?'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

Theirs and Theirs

Plumbing Co - we repair what your husband fixed.

'Did you mess with the thermostat again?'

'That's it? The facts of life? Mom washes the dishes and you dry them?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

Musical washing

'If your mom's not happy then nobody's happy, right dad.'

'How about we get this closet organizer as a together gift?'

"The secret to a good marriage son is to do most of the spring cleaning..."

"What are you complaining about? When I met you, you were living in a one-room apartment."

'I guess you have another excuse for not taking out the garbage.'

"That's fine. I've learned to enjoy TV with no sound when we're at odds."

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."