Domestic Harmony Gifts

"Harold, have you reaped huge gains that you have not told me about?"

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

Separation Anxiety

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"I wish you'd get more in touch with your masculine side, Robert"

Ever wonder why we debated what color fridge to buy?

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

'You're always taking the fun out of everything!'

Looks like I do dishes again.

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

Blanket Pull

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

'No madam, the seat does not keep falling down, to the annoyance of male users, would you like one that does?'

Theirs and Theirs

Plumbing Co - we repair what your husband fixed.

'Did you mess with the thermostat again?'

'That's it? The facts of life? Mom washes the dishes and you dry them?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

'If your mom's not happy then nobody's happy, right dad.'

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

Musical washing

'How about we get this closet organizer as a together gift?'

"A Therapist didn't save my marriage. A plumber and a second bathroom saved my marriage!"

"The secret to a good marriage son is to do most of the spring cleaning..."

"It's not so much spring cleaning as it is 'My mom is visiting for Mother's Day' cleaning."

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."