Doctor Jokes Lover Prints

'These young doctors know nothing, I used to see 500 patients every day...'

'He just wants me to make him feel good enough to get back to doing the things that made him feel bad in the first place.'

'I shouldn't be here, the doctor says I'm fine.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

'I had this two years ago.'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

"Do you carry generic placebos?"

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

"He's losing his will to pay!"

GALLSTONE SPECIALIST: This too shall pass

'Our employees are seeing doctors less now we've started hiring quacks.'

Man not charged enough for first opinion.

Yes, by all means, Mr. Fusco, feel free to seek out a second opinion

"I'm going to send you to someone who's not afraid of doing a little harm."

'Is there ANY good news, Doctor?' 'Well, you don't need to worry about scraping by on a pension.'

'He's a good specialist but he pokes. You need one who prods.'

"It's the age of the specialist. In fact five out of six doctors recommend another doctor."

Ear, Nose and Throat doctor baffled by knife wound.

'Yes, I could 'take a wild guess', but I think I'll do some tests.'

"Why don't I just tell you the treatments I'm willing to do and we'll assume I have whatever disease that's good for!"

'It's a nasty little rash, nothing to worry about!'

'You can discuss sexual failure with me Mr Harmsworth, I'm trained not to laugh.'