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Tell Mr Hammond, I'll have his alimony check in the mail tomorrow.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

Google Translate for Marriagese

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"Get with the program, Barry, the certificate clearly said, 'till death do we part'."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

"I deliberately married an archaeologist because I thought the older I got, the more interest you would show in me..."

"What ever happened to 'Never go to bed angry'?"

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I wish you wouldn't refer to me as your running mate!'

Angry wife and a drunken husband will need medical assistance.

"Ah, honey?" "Yes, sweetheart?" "You've left it in the drawer again."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

Lateral thinking...thought bubble bypassing wife's head.

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'