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Tell Mr Hammond, I'll have his alimony check in the mail tomorrow.

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

Google Translate for Marriagese

"What ever happened to 'Never go to bed angry'?"

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"Get with the program, Barry, the certificate clearly said, 'till death do we part'."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I deliberately married an archaeologist because I thought the older I got, the more interest you would show in me..."

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

Angry wife and a drunken husband will need medical assistance.

"Ah, honey?" "Yes, sweetheart?" "You've left it in the drawer again."

'I got custody of the kids.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I wish you wouldn't refer to me as your running mate!'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

Lateral thinking...thought bubble bypassing wife's head.

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"Look, I'm very sorry Judy but I really feel I need a new porpoise in life."

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'