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All this alimony to my first wife is killing me.

"In the settlement, I got both houses!"

DIVORCE COURT, 'Well, I finally found out what women really want - money.'

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"I want something more out of this relationship. . . me!"

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"You've been ages,dear-but never mind I've been patiently waiting in the pub accross the road!"

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

"I'm sure it's a false alarm - my husband must have the leak fixed by now."

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I got custody of the kids.'

'Then we agree - I'll slap a gag order on your wife, and you slap a gag order on my wife.'

Wife to doctor about husband: 'It was a freak accident. He was doing some work on the house.'

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

"Oh, it was fun for awhile, but then she started getting under MY skin."

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

Congratulations on your Divorce

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'