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Congratulations on your Divorce

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. We're contraindicated."

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

"My wife isn't speaking to me."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'You wanted me to take you to my leader. Well, my wife is my leader.'

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

Married people live longer

'To be perfectly honest, I cross the road to get away from my husband.'

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"I'll be back – I'm going to run from my emotions."

"It's his favorite time of year."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'Oh sit down Harold, Alice doesn't want to hear our problems!'

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

"So you want me to ink - 'I'm the head-honcho around this joint!'"

'I got custody of the kids.'

'I don't really want to report my wife missing-just her voice will do.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

"Would you please bring the endangered species here a drink?"

'You get all the money and both cars? How is THAT fair?'

'Hello, 911? It's my husband! I don't know what's wrong with him. He said there's nothing on TV and he just wants to talk!'

For 364 days of the year Santa was a very successsful divorce lawyer.

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."