Dinner Dodge Gifts

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Ooo! The dog food sounds good! ... mind you, I always have that at home.'

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'I'll have toast and he'll have a complete dog's breakfast.'

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Don't tell him anything."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.

'Mine was stone cold.'

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."

"This place is slipping. The 'Chef's Surprise' looks more like a cook's confusion."

Man eating his meal with his feet.

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

'Darling - are you finding these waiters rather over-attentive?'

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"Sorry about the delay, sir, but you shouldn't have to wait much longer - the manager is interviewing chefs as we speak."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

"Sure we could just print out the specials, but the chef doesn't want to leave a paper trail."