Dinner Bell Darling T-Shirts

"You keep impeccable time."

LAY ZEE FUK

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Dialogue

'Meat cooked, but carrots still hard.' Hand in pot

"I think what I love most is the smile on her face as she feeds me!"

'Only the years when the market was bullish...'

'White beetroot?' 'I bleached them.'

'You're pushing food round your plate.' 'No, it's moving on its own.'

Woman serving tea from a huge barbecue-like teacup.

'Greek restaurant?' 'No, menu upside down.'

I like the look of the sherry trifle!

'This melts in the mouth.' 'It's ice cubes.'

'Glass of hot water please, I want to wash the cutlery'

'This is not Hungarian stew.' 'We ran out of Hungarians.'

'Your tea is getting cold.'

'This chicken has no taste or character.' 'I thought you wanted to eat it, not offer it a job.'

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

Man eating his meal with his feet.

'I don't leave until I've heard all 25 songs.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

Cut out and keep your own Cleaner.

'How old is the Stilton?' 'It used to be Cheddar.'

'He's very fussy about his food.'

"Those aren't three-star-restaurant pants."

Catering for a large family.

"Don't eat anything fatty...you're not listening, Fatty...I said, 'Don't eat anything!'"

'Your meal should be along shortly. Frank just went out to hunt it.'

'Great crisps.' 'Yes, they're old cornflakes and salt.'

Man walks into a restaurant with a sign saying "Billy Bob's Diner - We don't let the federal government tell us what to do with our tainted beef".