Dining Out Connoisseur Pillows

"Let's make the bill easy and just split it."

'It's beans OR toast, not beans ON toast.'

'Jake's always said that wine is an appetite suppressant - I don't see him eating anything.'

"You can't handle the booth!"

"Waiter. I keep telling you flies are in my soup."

"Coffee, on the strong side."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'A cheeky red?'

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"Regular service or affected?"

"Your mother texted us that you're not getting enough to eat, so I brought you twice what you ordered."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'