Dining Dilettante T-Shirts

'House wine?'

'If you're ready, who wants to go first?'

"Do the lady and the gentleman wish to sit with the politically correct or with the guests with humor?"

"Which comes first - the chicken salad or the egg salad?"

'Ambiance or non-ambiance?'

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'Good gracious, no, nothing for me. I'll just scavenge after my friends have left the table.'

'Darling, we're vegetarians. We must stop meat eating like this.'

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

"'Scuse me, Officer, but where do the elite meet to eat around here?"

"Your waitress left an hour ago. What was it that you ordered?"

'Phoning or non phoning?'

'How much do I tip myself?'

"How we doing for tips today?"

Garlic Free Zone.

This looks like a table for one. It's table for two, a seat for one and a lap for one.

I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I'm afraid I'll have to pay the check by licking dishes.

"Are you still working on that?"

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

Somewhere in France - The Eliot sisters come face to face with escargots.

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Fishing rod coming out of a health farm towards a hot dog stand.

Macho Vegetarian

"Forget it - she's out of your league."

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

Too Skinny, Too Fat

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

'Normally, seafood is good for you.'

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'That's our most effective weight-loss patch.'

"I hate this smart refrigerator."