Dining Cost Critic T-Shirts

'Roast chickens £4. Pensioners £3.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Your lobster was off!

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Expense account or regular?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."