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"Just iced tea, please. Hot coffee goes right through me."

Grace For Flies

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

Party time.

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'It's my favorite.'

"I'll have another Rob Roy and a cup of coffee for my friend here."

'I really can't stay for dessert. Why don't you stay and DVR the rest of the date for me?'

Horn of Leftovers

Countervailing Clichés.

Alphabet soup gets cold for slow readers.

Diner

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

'How is the water prepared?'

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

'The Saxon King' pub

Surreal ale

What's your thumb doing on my steak? Want me to drop it again?

'So,,,apparently you're really a dude,'

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'A Quarter-Tonner, please.'

'How would you like your toast?'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!' 'That's not soup! It's gumbo.'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'I can't have you spending all of your money on fancy restaurants like this, Jeff.'