Dine And Dash Prankster Mugs

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'My husband made my cake from scratch...even the candles.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

I don

"More helium."

"I'm not trying to freak you out, but your eel roll is moving."

"Now now, what have I told you about using your zombie knife at the dinner table..."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

Doughnut Criminals

'Word to the wise: Always check the cheese for pills.'

Mock Apple Pie Recipe

'Great! you ate the waiter, now how am I going to order!?'

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

"When no one's looking, I'm cramming this entire ball of pasta in my mouth."

Fitz wasn't sure if this was a legitimate rescue or just more culinary trickery.

'Thaw for 24 hours. They should have told me that yesterday.'

Pizza Exam: 'Just deliver it around the back of 'B' block. The money will be by the window. . .'

Work stress.

Tiny restaurant portion. Man finds magnifying glass amongst cutlery.

'You ordered the stuffed sea bass, didn't you?'

'Give me a size 12 please.'

It's not a fortune - it's a list of food code violations at the Chinese restaurant next door.

"I need a doggy bag please, I have a room mate to feed."

"I don't see one damn thing we haven't eaten before."

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

Which of you jokers swapped my apron for this?

'Now see, we couldn't have this kind of fun, if we met online.'

'Next time YOU pronounce it!'

'Third quarter profits are down 3%, but we're expecting a rise in - Johnson! For the last time, stop trying to pick my nose!'

"Why is this egg roll pink with purple and yellow stripes?"

"I think that last cone was more than a warning."

Special - Day Old Cones

My name's Troy, and I'll be your server tonight. My name's Fred and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon. I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason.