Dietary Lifestyles Pillows

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

Blah, blah, blah

Soup of the month.

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'Twenty years ago I began jogging five miles a day - could you tell me where I am?'

Exercise Class

"Only three more miles and tonight we're good for tiramisu!"

The discovery of asparagus.

Vegetarian Birds

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

"Two vegans, please."

Secretive Weigh In.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

"I'd like to start the 'Wellness at Work' training by offering you some guidance on diet and exercise."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Honey, I can't go to the gym today. I feel too out-of-shape."

Exercising

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

"My parents won't allow sugar in the house, so I've had to learn about it on the street."

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

Man to woman leaving health club: 'The instructor said I had lots of body definition ... plump, rotund, obese, heavy ...'

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

'Yes I do notice an improvement. Your chins don't juggle anymore.'

"My New Year's resolution is to lose thirty-eight thousand pounds."