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The proud husband who's wife just lost thirty-five pounds: 'This is my wife Sandra, Greatly reduced.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

All Natural Nothing

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

Odd Spas

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

'I'm on the workaholic's diet. I only eat when I can put it on an expense account.'

'I'm sick of fast food. I mean, look at the legs on that thing.'

Diet Cud

"I programmed the refrigerator to hide from you in between meals."

"Touch that and you're a dead man."

"It may not be the lowest cal, but it's low enough cal for me."

'Look at it this way. The Dow gained 20% or more in the last three years. That's good. You gained 20 pounds or more in the last three years. That's bad.'

The Catkins Diet

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

'The other foot also Mrs Zipsky!'

'I had the same thing for lunch.'

'It's the half-empty bag of cookies from the back of the pantry. Should I tell them you'll call back?'

'Have your daily bread every other day.'