Diet Detester Pillows

Rescued, at last, from quinoa

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'Like death by salad.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

Critisize your weight.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

To do before Saturday...

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

Secretive Weigh In.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

Dieting Motivation.

'Diet considerations.'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'