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". . . And damned if you don't!"

"I don't care how crowded it is, you can't stay here unless you've done something really bad."

"Geez. . . what's the world coming to? I can't believe this newspaper would openly mock a mentally challenged child!"

"I'd like to buy a BOWEL."

"Any references?"

Going Down?

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

A convenient attack of swine flu...

"You know I hate birthdays!"

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

"I'm enjoying law school but I don't want to be known as the attorney from hell."

Zombie plumber calling out for drains...

'Another Scotch?'

Middle-Aged Man Celebrates Birthday Riding Escalator Without Holding Handrail!

Devilled Eggs

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

'You may see a great creation, Dr. Frankenstein... but I only see a great heck of a Product Liability Problem.'

"We have sparkling and still, but I'll have to ask if we have black."

'Van Helsing, I've told you that just Holy Water isn't enough to kill count Snowcula! You need HOT Holy Water!'

Hire Wire Act

'You have the right to refuse the body scanner, but then I'll have to pat you down.'

"Can they REALLY be descended from wolves..??"

Munster Island.

"First whack at sword swallowing?"

'Full moon again Doctor.'

"It sounds good so far, are there any strings attached?"

'Please feel free to take me out of context.'

Dracula Waits For the Bus With A Coffin Briefcase.

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."

"Be right with you. I need to take this real quick."

Concerned about getting his expectant wife to the hospital on time, Gary hired a stunt driver for the 'big day'.

Frankenstein's monster does Father's Day.

'I call him Franken-penguin.'

'Mum said I take after your side of the family, Dad!'