Deduction Diplomat Gifts

"Before I list the deductions from your paycheck, please understand...I just work here."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"Getting into a fight is one thing, but did you have to get into a class-clearing brawl?"

'Does the Fifth Amendment apply to report cards?'

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

'Your ambiguities are impeccable, young man - just what our department needs.'

"Legal and accounting were O.K. with it, but I had trouble getting it past archery."

"I can't hold it together much longer. . . If Bradley doesn't wipe that smug, self-satisfied smirk off his face soon, I swear I'll kill him."

'They aren't shy about cutting you out of the decision making process.'

"I don’t see how confirming who I like best will help this situation."

Excess Baggage: If you can draw, you don't have to know the local language.

Good duck, bad duck.

Student Council. Ernie's no longer on the student council, but he's sticking around as a lobbyist.

'Shall we talk about your unacceptable behavior or shall we go directly to the penalty phase?'

Drunk sailor anchored to a bar.

The free and sovereign republic of the ninth floor.

"I'm just checking my inbox."

"Police. Nobody move or groove."

'No, I'm not interested in hearing a counter proposal.'

Tariffs on Canada

"Can't they compromise a bit and offer something like a candy apple?"

'Extortion...never. My associates and I prefer to think of these Christmas presents as an insurance policy...'

It's time again for my 'State-of-the-family' address.

Everyone likes to feel appreciated.

"How about all my desserts for a week, and I take out the garbage?"

"I'll need you to sign this binding agreement that you acknowledge you said no, you didn't want any dessert, and that you give up all claim to mine."

'My teacher has nerves of steel, but that's not strong enough.'

"You know, you could have just said that you wanted that last piece of pie, dear!"

"... and bless the UPS driver, who endures my instinctive barks, growls, yelps and yips."

"It's O.K., hon, it happens. It even happened to NATO."

"Cruz, you can't use your phone in class."

"And do you promise never to fight over the thermostat setting?"