Dealing With Job Insecurity Pillows

'You can't sack me just because I'm totally useless. That's discrimination against totally useless people.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

37 years in the same position.

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

"A wage increase to match inflation."

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'And this is Bert, our intern. He's been with the company for 46 years!'

"Grunzman, I really appreciate you. I appreciate you to work somewhere else."

Redundancies

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

'The best thing about working here is that nobody is irreplaceable.'

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

'This doesn't look good.'

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

'I'm afraid you'll have to find another way of showing how crucial you job is, Johnson!'

'I don't know what to do about my check - grief or anger counseling.'

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

"This is a family operation, Ben, and we're evicting you from our family."