Data Strategist Pillows

'Our analytics software has scoured social media and the internet to give you a list of the best lies to use!'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Welcome to the future"

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'...and in 1/100000 of a second, it can compound the programmer's error 87,500 times.'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

'We're living in a round hole economy.'

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

Artifishial Intelligence

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"What did you download at school today?"

Big Data Tonight

"Note the spike here, when the state legalized marijuana."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

"He's the best our AI recruitment algorithm could fund, unfortunately our AI is really stupid."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

"I love your optimism."