Dark Humored Gifts

Even Bob's deathbed confession was lame.

'God is dead.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'... And this is my cellar.'

Out To Lurch

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Dead Funny

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

The practical psychopath

"I'm the bad guy..."

"Housekeeping?!"

Zombies.

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."