Dark Humor Friend Gifts

"They're very time-sensitive."

'Put my tv here and my armchair in front of the fire.' 'Has anyone spoken to you about the, 'Can't take it with you' clause?'

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'... And this is my cellar.'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Out To Lurch

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

Dead Funny

Another day at work would be one too many...

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"How about if we just winter in hell?"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"Housekeeping?!"

"Where is everyone?" "You had 'everyone' killed." "Stalin family reunion"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."