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'I'm being let go. Twenty years I give this place, and that's the thanks I get.'

'It was unfortunate timing that he suffered his heart attack while playing charades.'

Lovers' hop - for the less agile.

The future

"I think we need to send a little 'message'. Luigi - it's time for the human head in the stable."

"I'm getting a divorce."

"On a positive note, we'll walk out of here half an inch taller."

Eventually, the Army quit using the foot grenade.

"Okay, boss, I'm gonna tell you what Tommy's doing and, remember, I meant it in the most literal sense."

Self Checkout

Rabbit being eaten.

A pzyglm of Poles - (Pzyglm is a Polish word for a group of miserable buggers in shabby coats)

'To show we're not all bad, you get to spin the wheel to determine where your job will be going.'

"Imagine what we could accomplish if nobody cared who got the credit... cards."

'What must an officer be before he can have a funeral with full military honours?'

'Ouch!'

'I want no inscription.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'... And this is my cellar.'

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Dead Funny