Cynophobia Comrade T-Shirts

"Don't worry, he'll even eat off your hand."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'Hello, security.'

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

'There's always a catch'

"I have nothing to hide."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.