Cynic's Club Pillows

"So apart from stop being 'lying hypocritical uncaring bastards who'd promise anything to get back in power'...is there anything else we might do to secure your vote?"

'I'm getting so fed up of news stories about the environment.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'