Cynic's Club Pillows

"So apart from stop being 'lying hypocritical uncaring bastards who'd promise anything to get back in power'...is there anything else we might do to secure your vote?"

'I'm getting so fed up of news stories about the environment.'

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

Sucking Up to Gen X

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"Let's see if we can't make an end run around basic human decency."

"This looks good."