Customer Insights Enthusiast Pillows

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

'I brought Simmons here on board to use his powers of levitation on our customer intelligence.'

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

"Have you heard something that the rest of us don't know about?"

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

'Do you want to talk to the man in charge or the woman that knows what's going on?'

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"Give me insights on marketing to your age demographic...and I'll give you a bright shiny penny."

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

"For our market research, each package needs to be individually marked off and put over there."

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

The competition's customer vs our customer.

'I am stunned by the sophistication of our consumer research.'

'Fenster, this memo accurately describes the human condition...but our job is to generate profits, not insights.'

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"Any new proposals?"

"The customer is always right....the customer is ALWAYS right..."

Friendly bank/Formal bank.

'Our poll shows the typical advertising viewer is all 'targeted' out.'

'Try recording it again but this time, don't laugh when you say, 'Your call is important to us'.'

'You may already be a whiner.'

'Sure, I got a hobby -- punching out pollsters.'

"We've talked it over and we've decided that you must not really be a customer."

Information: 'Out getting more.'

"Our security cameras just caught you frowning for an instant. Would you plead take a short online survey telling us way?"

"You estimated wait time before you hang up in frustration is 19 minutes."

Visiting the complaints department.

Good Customer Service

"If you don't mind, please take a moment to fill out this brief customer service survey...now...while we watch."