Customer Experience Aficionado Pillows

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

We might be a friendly bank- we're not a slap- happy bank.

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

'You've been friendly to a customer? You anwered his question competently and solved his problem?? Don't you dare to do that again, mister!!'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"I'd recommend this."

'Sir, our new automated telephone system saves us $20,000 annually, but our phone business has dropped 66%!'

"Will that be for here or to go?"

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

'Could you show me something that's more feature laden?'

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

The competition's customer vs our customer.

"Right, shall we delay the discussion on customer care again and look at the urgent issue of declining sales and plummeting profits."

Suggestions Box

"Don't you DARE argue with me you ***(****) or I'll **** your ****."

"I want to complain about how long I've had to queue to make my complaint."

"You forgot the straw."

Ring Bell for Service.

"It won't be long - we're in the process of hiring a cook now."

'Why on earth did you ask the customer if there was anything else you could do for him??!'

'Waiter, your tip's getting cold.'

"It's fancy-schmantzy. I just wanted fancy."