Culinary Pillows

"Oh, it's the best thing since small-batch, artisanal, unsliced bread."

For some unknown reason, there were no takers for the Flavor-of-the-Month in June.

'Well, yes, son, technically they are right when they call you a 'heel'. But remember, it's not who you are on the outside, it's what you taste like on the inside.'

'I'm afraid you're mistaken sir, this isn't a gastro pub.'

Signs in supermarket - 'gulp', 'guzzle', 'graze'.

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

"While you've been making your mind up, the Early Bird special when up three bucks."

'Today's special is yesterday's soup of the day!'

'...may I suggest that you stick to the English version of the menu!' - Man accidently orders a turbo-charged wheel barrow with a flat tyre filled with nuclear waste.

"I'll be the best side dish ever."

Immature cheese pulling a face

Young Professional Recipe Test

"In the heart of battle, as you stare down death! That is how sausage is made!"

'They certainly know how to charge!'

Salt and pepper

Diner giving shirt off his back to waiter on receipt of bill.

'You cook just like my mother. Lousy!'

"The next time I ask you what you want for dinner don't say, 'surprise me'."

Grocery Shopping.

"I see the businessman's lunch is up 50p."

The perfect man

"No, no, no, my wife said she'll have a quiche!"

Bed or breakfast.

'We don't have any specials today. However, all entrees featuring ingredients known to cause cancer in laboratory animals are half price.

Garden.

Cheese Shop

"The cooker's broken, we'll have to eat out."

"Ambitions... To live next door to a Chinese takeaway."

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"I'm eating for two-for me and the me who is on a diet."

"One of our greatest minds in restaurant criticism."

"My aged cheddar died!"

"Now more than ever I need the right kind of avocado toast."

"Wendel found an Israeli tomato stuck in your front water hose."

"I hope you've noticed that our menu is refreshingly devoid of creativity."