Culinary Rookie T-Shirts

"Daddy tries to cook, but all his meals begin in a can and end up in one."

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

Kung food restaurant (Waiter flies through the air bringing the food).

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

6 Brothers Falafel

"You're the lid to my pot."

"Rump roast?"

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

Picking pastries.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Cookbooks

'He's trying to put some magic into my recipes.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Elfian lady grilling on mushroom: 'Summertime in the Enchanted Forest'.

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Man with 'Real Ale' written on t-shirt, woman with 'Real Pine' written on rolling pin

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"It's smells so good, but why do you have to wait so long?!"

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Ooooooh, just what I wanted!"