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"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

Better Not Squash.

'I told you not to complain about the hospital food!'

'and then stand in dish for two hours.'

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

"Then add one extra large egg..."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

Pizza with 'Made in China' imprinted on it.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

Deviled HamDeviled Eggs.

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

'Todays special - egg on Ronay'

'I hope it's okay -- the cookbook had some really confusing abbreviations.'

Now we know --- It's good for making toast, not good for heating up meatloaf!

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

'Deputy, I asked 'when are you going to a restaurant?' Not 'arrest your aunt'.'

'We need more cake shows!'

Grand rounds vs. ground rounds.

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

"Ooops...well, at least you now can see that there are a lot of fresh mushrooms in our soup!"

Not that one. It's got the chips in it.

"1 pinch of salt, 3 pinches of baking soda...oh dear, a cup of flour? How many pinches is that?"

"Rare, medium or well done?"