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"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'I told you not to complain about the hospital food!'

Better Not Squash.

'and then stand in dish for two hours.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

Pizza with 'Made in China' imprinted on it.

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Todays special - egg on Ronay'

'I hope it's okay -- the cookbook had some really confusing abbreviations.'

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"Ooops...well, at least you now can see that there are a lot of fresh mushrooms in our soup!"

"1 pinch of salt, 3 pinches of baking soda...oh dear, a cup of flour? How many pinches is that?"

"Rare, medium or well done?"

"Keep it in the sling and rub hot sauce on our wing every 4 hours."

Grand rounds vs. ground rounds.

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

Not that one. It's got the chips in it.

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

'We need more cake shows!'