Cuisine Commentator T-Shirts

'The raie beurre noir Chez Nicky is a revelation. Possessed of state of the art aerodynamic capabilities and that certain 'je ne sais quoi' when it strikes maitre d's tiny, little head.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"States of tofu"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

6 Brothers Falafel

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

Chez Nous Menu

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Night of the Latkes

"Would you like some wings?"

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Ninja bread men"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

Cookbooks

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

View to the Future

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."