Critic's Choice T-Shirts

"I finally got my wife to read my manuscript. She said the main character was a sleazebag devoid of a moral compass. It's an autobiography."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

Filling the Missile Gap

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'Well, your guess is as good as mine. Almost.'

"Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that our TV cable?"

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

Final words on gravestones.

The new Physics

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

An acceptable level of TV violence.

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

"My kid could do that."

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

"Now this is what I call an honest little pub!"

The Real Russian history