Critic's Choice T-Shirts

"I finally got my wife to read my manuscript. She said the main character was a sleazebag devoid of a moral compass. It's an autobiography."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

Filling the Missile Gap

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'Well, your guess is as good as mine. Almost.'

"Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that our TV cable?"

Final words on gravestones.

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

An acceptable level of TV violence.

Constructive Criticism 50c.

"My kid could do that."

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

The Real Russian history

"You'll never believe who's here."

Samuel Beckett