Crisis Hotline Worker Gifts

'Hi, it's me - I'm under a train.'

'Let me get this stright. Your remote control is broken and you can't remember how to get from your chair to the TV?'

Yes, there is a terrorist hot line...but it's a silent number to avoid alarming people.

COVID-19 Stops Economy

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

Tsipras and Merkel

"I volunteer for the Samaritans. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it."

Coronavirus: People Dying/People Losing Money

'A fight has broken out between Dr. Who fans and Star Trek fans. No hurry, the likelihood of anyone getting hurt is very small.'

"Speechmaking during a pandemic can be unnerving.. just pretend there's an audience!"

Master of Disaster

"Typing and shorthand will be useful but how are you at handling the unexpected?"

'Hello?...Customer service?...Uhhh...How do you open the box?'

"No sooner do we get over one problem, another rears its ugly head !"

'If you now feel like punching someone in the face. . . press five!'

Crisis Negotiator on Vacation

On hold, Rick listens to "As Time Goes By" over and over again.

"Poor soul - he's been like that ever since he ran off with my wife..."

"Would you please speak more slowly and with a different accent?"

Coronavirus 100k Deaths

"Impatient jerk!"

'Hello. You've reached the twenty-four hour toll-free hotline.'

'Forget his mother. He wants to talk to an agent about selling his story!'

Journalist foaming at the mouth whilst writing about foot and mouth.

"Oh no, we're out of coffee!"

'And press nine if you are loosing the will to live!'

'Thank you for contacting The Pearly Gates. Your call may be monitored for training purposes...'

"Hey! - We could house thousands of Ukrainian refugees in some of the empty properties standing idle in central London. . . ! !"

'. . . Doom gloom. . . horror. . . shock. . . nightmare scenario. . .'

"He's running late this morning. He unexpectedly snapped out of denial."

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'Federal Communications Commission - May I help you?'

"I'm glad you were satisfied with the service but please don't tell people or everyone will expect it."

'No,I don't know where you can buy good quality cannabis.'

"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. If at some point that's no longer true, we will disconnect."