Crime Scene Literary Buff Mugs

"We've just got a positive I.D. on the stiff, boss. . . Some bloke called, Yorick."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

The Philip Marlow family

"We need rain."

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

Next camera crew 5 mins

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

'All right pal, just hand over the nose and nobody gets hurt.'

I always forget - Are we supposed to tip?

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"I've been dumping bodies here for years, and it seems to me that the sea level is rising."

Mafia Short-Term Memory Clinic. 'Fuhgettaboutit.'

"I'll never understand it. I followed the generally accepted principles of embezzling."

Cop Shop: Bulk, dried blood, shaved hair, ground teeth, assorted body parts and bone fragments.

'Try to think of this as a learning experience.'

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

Fish mobsters.

"Now don't do anything flashy with the money, like pay off all your student loans at once."

"Paper or plastic?"

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"Undiagnosed serial killer"

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

"I couldn't finish that book either."

Turkey Autopsy

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"