Courtroom Satire Enthusiast Pillows

"Counsel will kindly refrain from testifiduction and hippothanatology – in lay terms, leading the witness and beating a dead horse."

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Not guilty?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'The highest court in the land.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

The hour of justice

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

"Can you hear me now?"

A Court Reporter's Pocket Knife

Counsel examining witness

"Let's take in a trial."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

'Oh great, a machine with an attitude.'

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

''The buck stops here'? What a coincidence, your honor. My nickname is 'the Buck'.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."