Courtroom Satire Lover Pillows

Don't confuse me with justice, counselor. Justice is blind. I'm just blind drunk.

'Your honor, if you won't declare this witness hostile, will you at least declare him ugly.'

Man arrives at Feral Court, formerly divorce court.

Trial by Media

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Questions about an old case refuse to go away. . .

"Your Honor, we're going to go with the prosecution's spin."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Not guilty?"

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

Contest of wills.

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

A Judge about to enter an operating theatre for a 'Clinical Trial'.

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

"Please accept the apologies of this court. You're free to go now, and, by the way, here's your DNA back."

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

"The court granted me a new identity!"

'Oh, objection, objection, objection - what is it this time, Counselor?'

PARALEGAL, 'Hi -- I'm a paracriminal.'

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

Antonin Scalia

"To indict or not to indict... No, to charge or not to charge... No..." "Don't worry. I know how this turns out." "Mueller's Hamlet"

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."