Courtroom Drama Enthusiast Gifts

"What are you - some kind of justice freak?"

"Come now, give the system a chance."

"Here are your choices. You can plead guilty."

"Apparently, you have very little respect for our judicial system, sauntering in here with only one lawyer."

'Well, Mr Dinthwait, I think there's quite a strong case for compensation for your whiplash injury from your recent car accident.'

"At first I was the aggressor but as he got the upper hand it became clear I was the victim."

"A unique and stirring plea, counselor."

'I'm screwed.'

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

Hearsay evidence.

'Should I make a note of the fact that the witness has grown a Pinocchio nose, your honor?'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'My client pleads not guilty to copyright violation, Your Honor, on the grounds that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'

'Have I lapsed into legalese?'

'100 hours of community service?- I won't have to be on the school board, will I?'

"I'm advising my client not to answer any more questions, or to even make eye contact."

"I plead guilty, Your Honor, but only in a nice, white-collar sort of way."

'Yes, that's him. That's the author of the book that grabbed me and wouldn't let go!'

"What qualifies you to be a ballistics expert?"

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

Civil and In-Civil Court

Why it's not always a good idea to wear your work uniform to court...

'Permission to treat the witness as a hostile, self-important, arrogant jackass.'

'We find the defendant guilty. I mean, why else would he go out and hire the best lawyer in town?'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and not in some sneaky relativistic way?"

'Objection overruled. Answer the bloody question.'

"Why don't we take a break? Your testimony is beginning to sound rehearsed."

'Before we begin, is it all right if I give each of the jury a small gift?.'

"Whoa, don't ask constitutional questions you don't want to know the answers to."

"Is this necessary, Your Honor? I'm an expert."

'Evidence, shmevidence - Next!'

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"My basic judicial philosophy is 'Guilty.'"

'...If you cannot afford a lawyer, the trial will go a lot faster.'

"And, sir, in your expert, professional opinion, was the victim already deceased when the defendant arrived at the scene?"