Courtroom Drama Enthusiast Gifts

"What are you - some kind of justice freak?"

"Come now, give the system a chance."

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to call to the stand an unequaled expert witness of exceptional excellence. Put your hands together. Give it up..."

"Here are your choices. You can plead guilty."

"Apparently, you have very little respect for our judicial system, sauntering in here with only one lawyer."

"At first I was the aggressor but as he got the upper hand it became clear I was the victim."

'Well, Mr Dinthwait, I think there's quite a strong case for compensation for your whiplash injury from your recent car accident.'

"A unique and stirring plea, counselor."

'I'm screwed.'

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

Hearsay evidence.

'Should I make a note of the fact that the witness has grown a Pinocchio nose, your honor?'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'My client pleads not guilty to copyright violation, Your Honor, on the grounds that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'

'Have I lapsed into legalese?'

'100 hours of community service?- I won't have to be on the school board, will I?'

"I'm advising my client not to answer any more questions, or to even make eye contact."

"I plead guilty, Your Honor, but only in a nice, white-collar sort of way."

"What qualifies you to be a ballistics expert?"

'Permission to treat the witness as a hostile, self-important, arrogant jackass.'

Civil and In-Civil Court

Why it's not always a good idea to wear your work uniform to court...

'Yes, that's him. That's the author of the book that grabbed me and wouldn't let go!'

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

'We find the defendant guilty. I mean, why else would he go out and hire the best lawyer in town?'

'Objection overruled. Answer the bloody question.'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and not in some sneaky relativistic way?"

'Before we begin, is it all right if I give each of the jury a small gift?.'

"Why don't we take a break? Your testimony is beginning to sound rehearsed."

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"Is this necessary, Your Honor? I'm an expert."

"Whoa, don't ask constitutional questions you don't want to know the answers to."

'Evidence, shmevidence - Next!'

"My basic judicial philosophy is 'Guilty.'"

'I'm a personal injury attorney. I'll listen.