Counseling Critiquer Pillows

"Let's stop for a second while my assistant brings me a stiff drink."

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

Licensed Therapist

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

Try Mediation

'Great Therapy!'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"I scream! You scream! I can't stop the screaming!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

Incompatible.

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.