Couch Philosopher T-Shirts

"These days, I'm mostly just legislating from the couch."

The mind-body problem

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"I don't know if a nap is part of God's plan for me."

'How long have you had this need to be in control?'

Studies show foods work miracles!

Psychiatrist analysing Sigmund Freud.

"Ask your doctor if taking a pill to solve all your problems is right for you."

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

'What happened to their pioneer spirit?'

"He's stopped waiting for Brexit and moved on with his life."

"I'm from the future and I want to go out for dinner."

"Have you ever noticed the news is sponsored by a pain reliever?"

'Everyone wants to put me back in the bottle!'

White dot on TV screen, man says: 'There are two possibilities ? the TV is broken, or the media has finally disappeared up its own arse.'

"At first I was a little concerned when we were sentenced to be stoned to death."

Map - You Are Here, but Mentally You're Here

"Harley's always been into plant based eating. He plants his base in a chair and eats!"

"Where the conspiracy theories of the right overlap the conspiracy theories of the left, you'll find Richard."

"So, how are you?"

"Quit blaming your mother. And get your feet off the couch."

"Don't try to understand them, just ride and rope and brand them."

"Remember, Mr. Hicks, the stock market - and life - reward risk-takers. So the first step is for you to come from under the couch and discuss it."

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

I had a very happy childhood, until last week when my mommy kicked me out.

'People are skeptical about everything I say!', 'Oh, come now!'

"So, when did you first have these overwhelming urges to spend �100s on therapy?"

'Frankly there's nothing wrong with you that a hefty bill from me couldn't cure.'

How to be a Dynamic Over-achiever

"You want to hear the facts according to your favorite cable new station or mine?"

"If you get chilly, use that crazy quilt."

"If I see that commercial one more time, I can hate it enough to ignore it."

Day 27 of self-isolation and the initial burst of enthusiasm to 'get things done' had swindled to nothing.

"I suppose we could burst onto the literary scene."