Corporate Recruiter Pillows

Simon's initial excitement about being headhunted didn't last long!

"Congratulations. You have the skills we're looking for, and you'll just fit a cubicle."

'We already have quite a few people who know how to divide, so essentially we're now looking for people who know how to conquer.'

'$800,000 per year? Is that with or without an incentive bonus?'

"Tell me why you want to work for Schimpf and associates?"

'We offer full benefits. A desk, a chair and your very own cubicle.'

"You claim that your greatest strength is being a natural predator. We could use someone like you here at this company."

"A non-compete clause just for the job interview?"

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

"I'm glad you like your starting salary, Bradford. You'll be getting it for a long, long time ... "

'I better miss if I want the job.'

'Can you work really hard? We're looking for someone to really shame our employees.'

'Maybe we should sign him before the MVP award is announced.'

"Impressive resume. You really know your s**t."

"I've got an opening for a project manager in a corporation that will chew you up and spit you back out on the street in record time. Interested?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Outer Space Outsourcing

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"And where have you previously moused?"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."