Corporate Realists T-Shirts

"A glimmer of hope is fine, Hendricks, but anything more than that will lead to massive disappointment."

"Work hard, make the sacrifices and in 25 years you could be just like me!"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Ahh... don't you just LOVE that new, re-organized-under-bankruptcy-protection smell?"

"Maybe we should have another look at the 'business as usual' idea."

'I hate his kind. They use their integrity and hard work to advance their careers.'

World Production.

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

Genius

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

'I say, let's not be hasty in enforcing the mandatory retirement age.'

"Leadership is about more than delegating all of your work."

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

'You said you wanted more responsibility, so I'm making you responsible for everything that goes wrong.'

"I'm not asking for a raise. All I'm asking for is a little warmth and human understanding."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

'Good news, Mr. Blume! Your condition isn't serious - just expensive.'

"I've brought companies back from the brink of disaster before Phil, but to bring one back from the dead? I'm still patting myself on the back over that one!"

Corp H.Q. In the corporate world, do you it's what you know or who you know? Neither, it's what you know about who.

"No, no - I'm just looking for a balance of power that corrupts in moderation."

"I'm not particular, I'll take any job that will replace a human."

'If i had my life to live over again... I'd make the same mistakes sooner'

'Consensus on a Friday afternoon...what a lovely way to begin the weekend!'

Ethics (with an eye on the bottom line) committee.

'I've fired the entire company except you, Jerkins. You'll have more work without pay, but you do have job security.'

Career Progression Ladder

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

'I must be getting old. I remember when I could smell fear clear across the other side of the building.'

Try not to think of yourself as a cog in a vast and uncaring machine...but rather as a small but relatively important cost center.

"Helen, is it just the accountant in me, or am I sensing a tone of wistful melancholy and a bittersweet acceptance of the unfathomable mysteries of corporate life in those numbers?"