Corporate Realist Pillows

'I spent years searching for the meaning of life only to find it had no practical business application.'

'I've fired the entire company except you, Jerkins. You'll have more work without pay, but you do have job security.'

"Normally, I'd fire you, Hoskins – but we have a lower standard for men."

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

Employee not inspired by corporate message about logging onto computer.

Down and Out

'It really helps to know I'm not the only one here who missed out on a huge bonus.'

'Without government help we can forget about the extra large directors' chairs.'

The pros and cons of dismissal (share prices).

"What you need to accept is that work is not supposed to be fulfilling."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Work hard, make the sacrifices and in 25 years you could be just like me!"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Ahh... don't you just LOVE that new, re-organized-under-bankruptcy-protection smell?"

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Maybe we should have another look at the 'business as usual' idea."

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

'I hate his kind. They use their integrity and hard work to advance their careers.'

World Production.

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

Genius

'Good new. . . we're moving you to a bigger desk!'

"Leadership is about more than delegating all of your work."

'I say, let's not be hasty in enforcing the mandatory retirement age.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

'You said you wanted more responsibility, so I'm making you responsible for everything that goes wrong.'

"I'm not asking for a raise. All I'm asking for is a little warmth and human understanding."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'Good news, Mr. Blume! Your condition isn't serious - just expensive.'

Someone loses his pension.