Corporate Managers Pillows

"We don't fire people here, Thompson, we tag them and release them into the wild."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"According to the most recent report, we have no recourse but to abandon ship."

Screwing The Littel Guy Since 1937

'Let's hope the new norm means that less really is more.'

'I won't say you're fired. Let's just say maintaining your employment status is not consistent with our long-term institutional objectives.'

'You remember Mr. Horton? You know, the one you said to give the 'clean desk' award to? -- you fired him three years ago.'

"Drinking fountains were too expensive to install, but we are providing a garden hose to drink from."

"Business is looking up. It's staring into the void."

Carillion Bonus

Abandoned After Signing Will Work for KPIS

"People - the heart of our company. Maybe we'd do better if we got rid of most of them."

"Let's play two truths and a lie: some of you will be fired, some of you won't be, no one's fired."

'They gave me a choice...they would either off-shore my job, or I could keep my job if I moved to India.'

"Can I offer you a cup of tea?"

Salary pyramid

'I'd like to get your unvarnished, honest concurrence on something....'

'The job is yours if you're willing to shave.'

'Sorry, but you can't return anything approved by quality inspectors #4 through #27, who were laid off.'

"Mr Wilson says he'll stop harassing me if I go to bed with him"

'He just stepped out. But if you hurry, you might be able to catch him on the sidewalk in front of our building.'

'It's nothing personal, Simkins - redundancies have hit all departments!'

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

Human Resources: We sack from within.

'In the New NASA, we accentuate the positive!'

'After careful analysis of the company's market projections, Carl will now brief us on plans for retooling...'

'How can we recompense them for the SACRIFICES they will have to make, the damage to their families, their relationships?'

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

"I'm woried that our company motto makes us look shifty."

"This is like the time you had me sell water as a 'diet drink'."

"This is our Head of Transformation and change, Doctor Jekyll."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."