Corporate Function Pillows

"Right, that completes this months sales figures."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'That's our mission statement.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

21st century water cooler conversations.

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'He got a raise but not enough to help him clear the fence.'

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Work/Life Balance

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings