Corporate Crisis Humorist Pillows

A businesswoman gives a presentation on a lifeboat

"Looks like we found the issue."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'