Corporate Comms Crisis Pillows

"Apparently you mistook my laugh of derision for a smile of approval."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'It appears the 'What?'s have it.'

'I've given a lot of thought to giving some thought to your latest proposal.'

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

"I was going to have my people call his people, but I’m pretty sure his people have Caller I.D."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

HR - Helping Relationships

'Could we finish these negotiations via e-mail? That will allow me to think before I respond to your proposals.'

"Now this chart should clear up any confusion you have with the report."

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

'Our company has hit an iceberg and is sinking fast. Of course, it's all very symbolic.'

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

"Using worst case scenario as a baseline, I consider this data quite encouraging."

'Boss, it seems like a friendly text, but you've got to learn to read between the emoticons.'

'Who wants the talking stick?'

"It's not downsizing—it's just that we have 976 employees who have chosen to spend more time with their families."

Information. Innuendo

'What's the concept? I'm not sure what you're trying to say, Ms. Harris.'

'I can beat my own drum but it'll be counting on your to toot my horn.'

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

'The Human Right Act bans ANY cruel or unusual treatment...we may need to rewrite our ENTIRE customer care policy!'

Giving feedback is a complex process.

"Despite years of management training john still found it difficult to give negative feedback."

'Your proposal sounds interesting. Can you send me a written proposal? I cannot reread a phone call.'

Bob tried networking – and crashed it.

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

"I'm really great thanks. The boss loves my ideas, he says I'm ahead of my time!" "Hi John, how are you? Good meeting?"

"Didn't you get the memo? The boss said he was bringing in some experts to help with the company's rebranding."

"We need to work on our people-friendly image you jackass."

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."